The path from abandoning yourself to self abandonment healing

I don’t know what I feel anymore.

I’ll defer to you.

Let’s take care of your needs first.

You may be thinking these things consciously, or they may be underlying currents in how you operate. It might also look like saying yes and then resenting it, or feeling exhausted all the time.

If you’re feeling wiped out, worn down, like you’re always taking care of others, and you just wish someone would take care of you, it’s probably time to explore if you’re abandoning yourself.

If this is you, I hear you. Trust me, I’ve had periods where I’ve lost myself too. 

Once you recognize that you’re abandoning yourself, you can start taking steps to find your way back. Finding the balance of giving to others and taking care of yourself can be freeing. I believe there are ways for you to live a life where you are connected to both yourself and others. And what a beautiful life that can be.

I don’t even know who I am or what I want anymore

What is self abandonment?

If you’re here, you may be wondering if you are abandoning yourself. You may have a fuzzy sense of that idea, but you may truly be wondering: what is self abandonment?

Self abandonment happens when you are consistently negating or ignoring your feelings, wants and needs. It can come in tandem with people pleasing and codependency. 

Self abandonment comes when there is a pattern of always putting other people’s needs first. Does that mean you can never put someone else’s needs first? No. Little in this world is black and white, and this is another example of something that exists on a spectrum.

Self abandonment can also come when you get lost in the world of “shoulds” and “supposed tos.” Sometimes outside pressure can leave us feeling like our wants and needs are wrong. 

Wait, is this me? Can you give me some examples of self abandonment?

Examples of self abandonment

Examples of self abandonment can be big or small. They can include a lot of small decisions, or a few big decisions.

Self abandonment can look like always letting someone else choose where to eat for dinner, or always letting a partner dress you. It can be saying yes to going to your parents’ for the holidays when you’d really like to go on that trip with your friends.

Self abandonment can look like making sure everyone else is taken care of, leaving you exhausted and unfulfilled at the end of the day.

Self abandonment can also be as simple as saying yes, when we really want to say no.

This does sound like me… Now what?

What happens when we abandon ourselves

So, I want to be clear here, and say that relationships involve give and take. There may be times where it’s necessary, or it makes sense to put others’ needs first. You may also be in set roles where putting others first is an expectation (be that your career, or being a family caregiver).

That said, when it becomes a consistent pattern, you may find that you are left feeling exhausted, resentful, or empty. You may be feeling like you want to escape, but you don’t know how.

If you are consistently abandoning yourself, you may find that you feel lonely, even when you are in a room full of people. 

And if you are abandoning yourself over time, you may be left feeling like you’re not good enough. You may be feeling like no one understands you, and worse yet, no one could understand and love the real you.

Is self abandonment impacting the way I am with others?

Self abandonment in relationships

When you engage in self abandonment in relationships, you will often find that you are unfulfilled in your relationship. You may feel lonely, even when you are with others.

You may have underlying narratives that are driving you towards self abandonment. You may think that the only reason others could love you is because you give to others. You may feel like no one could love the real you, so you have to conform to something or someone else.

If you’re exploring self abandonment in relationships, you may find yourself coming across the word codependency. I confess that I don’t love the word codependency, but if you think you may be practicing self abandonment in relationships, looking at codependency can lead to some helpful resources. And ultimately, when I think about codependency, self abandonment is one of the terms I tend to use most often.

It’s worth noticing that often we practice self abandonment in relationships because we think we are saving the relationship. That makes a lot of sense, especially if you grew up in a space where you felt like your needs weren’t met.

It’s also important to know that what was protecting you in the past, may be inhibiting your ability to have connected, grounded, fulfilling relationships now.

Whoa, codependency? What are we talking about here?

Self abandonment and codependency

As I mentioned, I’m a therapist who does a lot of work around codependency, and I hate the word codependency. I see so much misunderstanding and stigma around the word codependency. So many people think the word codependency means that depending on others is unhealthy.

Self abandonment and codependency go hand in hand. Self abandoning is one of the primary symptoms of codependency.

When I talk about codependency, I’m largely talking about self abandonment. I’m talking about not knowing what you want or need because you have learned to consistently put other’s needs first.

When I talk about codependency, I’m talking about not setting boundaries for fear of hurting others.

When I talk about codependency, I’m talking about ignoring your internal cues in an effort to feel worthy and loveable.

At its core, codependency is about losing relationship with yourself. I share this because I think you are important. Your needs and wishes are important. Understanding how pieces of codependency impact us can be the first step to untangling it, and finding the way back to yourself.

Ok, so I’ve been self abandoning. I think I want to make a change… how do I stop abandoning myself in a relationship?

The path to self abandonment healing: how do I recover from self abandoning?

If you find that you are self abandoning, you may be feeling lost, exhausted, or lonely, even when you aren’t alone. It’s hard to be in that place. And my wish for you is that you can find your way back to yourself, so you can have the fulfilling life that you want.

So, if you’re ready for self abandonment healing, how do you get there?

Start with having compassion for that part of yourself that believes you can’t be loved and accepted for who you are. That part has probably helped you survive for a long time. 

Next start practicing making decisions, and checking in with yourself. It can start with the simple decision about what to have for dinner. After you’ve chosen and had your dinner, ask yourself if that felt like the right choice for yourself. This practice is not about always making the “right” choice; it’s about checking in with how you felt about your choice.

It can be helpful to check in with your body to see if there are any clues it is giving you that you may not have paid attention to. Does one choice cause a pit in your stomach, or create tension in your jaw? Does one choice leave you feeling lighter? You may even notice some choices leave you feeling neutral. This is all information. 

It may take some time to move from noticing cues to moving from that place. It’s not worth pressuring yourself to have everything figured out in a short amount of time. Start with the experiment of noticing, and when you’re ready, you can dip your toe into aligning your choices with your cues. It may be scary at first, but the more you practice, the more you learn you can survive scary things. 

I also want to acknowledge that you may not always be able to make the choice that you wish you could. Sometimes there are roles or expectations that we need to address. For example, if you’re a caregiver, and the person you are caring for needs to eat, while you may want to read a book, this may be a time where you can’t put yourself first. That said, you can still acknowledge your desire in that moment. One piece of reversing self abandonment is simply creating a relationship with yourself.

This can simply mean acknowledging different parts of yourself, and meeting them without judgment.

You may also need to check in to see how others receive you as you make changes. Turn to the people who are able to hear and accept your genuine choices. Again, this may take time and patience. Especially if you’ve learned a different way. I believe in you and that there are people in the world that can accept you for who you are.

You have every right for your authentic self to be loved and cared fo- by others, and by yourself. 

Kate O’Brien, LCAT

Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, who experience self-abandonment and people pleasing, and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.