Tips on how to get through the holidays

While there are messages everywhere that the holidays are a time of joy and celebration, they are quite difficult for so many. 

In addition to the stress of travel, gift getting, the days with sunlight getting shorter, gathers with family can be particularly stressful. 

Sometimes that stress can come with internalized messages of, “I’m supposed to enjoy time with my family,” or “I should be happy to spend time with my family.” If that sounds like you, I want to offer you space to acknowledge that families can be hard.

You’re not a terrible person if you’re wondering how to avoid family gatherings.

You’re not a terrible person if you’re thinking, “I hate the holidays with family.”

You’re not a terrible person if you’re thinking, “I don’t want to spend the holidays with my family.”

You’re not a terrible person if you’re wondering how to survive the holidays with family.

Why are holidays so stressful with family?

“I hate the holidays with family”

At the risk of being redundant, it’s not terrible or odd that you are feeling in a place of “I hate the holidays with family.”

Family can come with a lot of challenging dynamics, which may leave you feeling like you want to avoid family during the holidays.

Sometimes family members hold different beliefs from you. Sometimes family members have different boundaries. You may feel like your family is judgmental. You may feel like you are left trying to solve other people’s problems, leaving yourself uncared for.

It’s also not unusual to resort to earlier versions of yourself when you’re with family. Your family may not understand how you’ve grown over the years, or may not accept how you’ve changed over time. These dynamics can be really hard to push back against. It’s not strange if you find this hard.

Knowing that, I want to offer a few tips on how to get through the holidays, especially if you are someone who wants to avoid family during the holidays.

Decide if it’s the healthier choice for you to avoid family during the holidays

“What’s the best way for me to get through the holidays?”

I wish I could give you a magic answer around if it’s right for you to avoid family gatherings, but ultimately you’re going to have to make the decision about what’s right for you (don’t you hate when therapists say that?). Even though I can’t give you that magic answer, I can give you some things to think about to help you get clearer in what’s right for you to get through the holidays.

Are you joining your family because you want to, or out of obligation? (If you find you’re often afraid of disappointing others, feel free to check out this blog.)

Do you feel like the backlash for not showing up will be worse than going to the event?

Is your family abusive?

If there is a part of you that wants to be with family, is there a way to temper your experience? (For example setting boundaries and limitations for yourself)

Are there certain family traditions that are important to you? If so, is it important that you engage in those traditions with your family?

I want to be clear that there is no one size fits all solution, nor do you have to have a certain answer to any of those questions. Take time to ask yourself these questions, and see how you feel about the answers that come up.

Then you can imagine for yourself what it would feel like to make certain choices. When you imagine avoiding family during the holidays, what sensations come up for you? When you imagine spending time with family, what sensations come up for you? If you imagine a middle ground of possibilities, what sensations come up for you?

The answers to these questions are simply to give you information, and there is no need to judge any of your answers. I want to reiterate, that you are allowed to make the decision that is right for you.

How to avoid family during the holidays

“I don’t want to spend the holidays with my family”

If you decide on avoiding family during the holidays

1- If you decide on avoiding family during the holidays, create an alternate plan that feels good for you. This could mean planning an activity that feels good for you, planning a trip, spending time with friends who are meaningful to you. It could even be as simple as curling up on your couch and watching feel-good movies. 

Deciding to avoid family during the holidays can bring up a mix of feelings, even if it is the right choice for you. Build in some time for self care, whatever that means for you.

2- Decide how much you want to communicate if you’re planning to avoid family gatherings. Sometimes the challenge in avoiding family during the holidays can come with getting pushback or guilt trips when you communicate your decision. 

It may be helpful to practice some ways of communicating your plans. Here, I want to remind you that you get to choose how much or how little you want to share with others. It could be as simple as, “I’ve decided to spend the holidays elsewhere,” or “I know this is hard for you, but I need to make this decision for me. I will be making other plans this holiday.”

Remember, you don’t have to explain anything or justify your decision.

3- Keep your boundaries in your decision to avoid family during the holidays. I don’t say this to imply that you aren’t allowed to change your mind; you absolutely are. I bring up maintaining boundaries because sometimes we don’t hold our boundaries, and then we wonder why others aren’t respecting our boundaries.

I know this can be hard (I am still practicing this myself). Be kind to yourself as you practice the hard work of setting boundaries, especially if your family dynamic does not tend to respect boundaries.

How to survive the holidays with family

“It will be hard, but I think it’s right for me to be with my family”

If you do decide to spend the holidays with your family, here are some tips on how to get through the holidays:

1- Find coping tools to help you figure out how to survive the holidays with family.  Finding coping tools could mean taking walks to give yourself a break. You can have a favorite outfit that feels good that you choose to wear, and touching the fabric of that favorite outfit when you’re getting activated. 

You can also plan coping tools around plans before and after seeing family. Perhaps you get ready with a friend, or make plans to join a friend for coffee afterwards.

2- Decide and implement time frames around family interactions. Sometimes a key in how to survive holidays with family is to set a time limit around how much time you spend. Perhaps it’s a set number of days, or even a set number of hours you spend with them. 

Think about past experiences. What has felt manageable to you in the past? At what point do you find emotions getting heightened? You can take that information and use it to make a decision for going forward.

3- Decide your own personal boundaries around topics of communication. Sometimes the thing that leads to the feelings of “I don’t want to spend the holidays with my family” is poor boundaries around topics of communication.

Perhaps your uncle keeps asking when you’re getting married.

Perhaps your mom keeps making comments about the size of your body, or how much you are eating. 

Perhaps your cousin holds drastically different views on politics, and feels the need to share openly, even if it is harmful to you and your identity.

Think about and decide what topics you don’t want to talk about. Knowing that, you can kindly and firmly let people know that you won’t be engaging in certain topics; if need be, you can also let people know if certain conversations continue, that you will remove yourself.

I also find it can be helpful to think about what topics do feel safe to discuss before seeing your family. Hate that your aunt puts down your job, but she has a cute dog that you could talk about? Change that topic. It might feel forced and superficial at times, but it can help you through difficult moments. And if you’re thinking, “how do I set boundaries with my difficult parents?” feel free to explore here.)

4- Implement self care.

The holidays can be really hard. Figuring out how to survive holidays with family can be even harder. Take time to care for yourself through it all.

Self care has room for emotional, spiritual, and physical care. It can range from going out in nature, to taking a favorite exercise class, to streaming a comedy special.

Self care can be of the hard work variety, like therapy, self-help books, meditation, or self exploration. These types of self care may take more energy and time, but can be a part of taking care of yourself.

Self care can also live in community care. Spending time with friends is a form of self care. Volunteering with others and connecting can be a form of community.

Self care can also live in the space of self indulgence (I want to be clear that when I use the word indulgence, I have no negative judgment or shame connected to it). This can be taking a warm bath, getting a massage, spending time in nature. It can be treating yourself to a good book, or going to the theater. This can be anything that brings joy and lightness to you.

Self care can incorporate parts or pieces of all or a few of those varieties. The important part is that you make space for it.

Final thoughts on how to get through the holidays

And how to survive the holidays with family

Regardless of how you decide how to survive the holidays with (or without) family, offer yourself compassion. Family dynamics can be so tricky. There are many people who carry the thought, “I hate the holidays with family.” To reiterate a point I made earlier, this doesn’t make you terrible. It makes you a human.

Your feelings are valid and common. You don’t need to judge or shame yourself for those feelings. 

My wish for you is that you find space to feel empowered in whatever decisions you make: if you decide to avoid family during holidays, or if you decide you do want to be with family; if you decide to avoid family gatherings, or if you decide you want to attend, but with boundaries. 

You are allowed to make whatever choice is right for you to figure out how to get through the holidays in the best way possible for yourself. 

Kate O’Brien, LCAT

Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, who experience self-abandonment and people pleasing, and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.