When You Want to Get to a Place Where You Don’t Feel Guilty for Doing What’s Best for You
Guilt can be such a tricky little bugger. I know it is usually trying to be helpful, yet somehow it often seems to hold us back. I say that as someone who used to carry guilt for so much of what I did or didn’t do.
The more that I have taken time to look at where my guilt came from (largely because I’m a sensitive person who struggles to let people down), and practiced ways to shift my internal stories (I am worthy of care, and while it’s uncomfortable to let others down, it’s still OK to do what’s best for me), the more comfortable I felt in my own life.
Does that mean I never feel guilty? It does not. Does that mean that I have one hundred percent mastered the “do what’s best for you” mindset? Also no.
It does mean I have more balance in my life. It also means that I know when I’m avoiding committing to something, it’s a sign I don’t want to do that. I can take that information and decide how I want to move from there.
It also means I am less resentful when I do decide to give of my time or energy. It means I am more comfortable and confident in myself.
If any of this resonates with you, keep reading. If you’re looking to start a journey where you are doing what’s best for you, keep reading. If you want to trust that you’re worthy of care, keep reading; I want that for you too.
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Why do you feel guilty doing what's best for you?
If you’ve ever heard someone say to you, “don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you,” and had a hard time accepting that, you’re not alone. I’ve talked with so many people who have a difficult time with the idea of doing what’s best for you. I’ve felt that way myself.
If you’re finding yourself asking why the idea of doing what’s best for you is so hard, there may be a few reasons.
Internal beliefs around doing what’s best for you: Sometimes the internal beliefs and feelings you have can stop you from doing what’s best for you. You may find yourself believing other people’s needs are more important than your own. You may think you don’t deserve care.
You may find yourself thinking that taking care of yourself is taking away from the care of others. This can be amplified by family roles or societal messages.
Honestly, you may have been putting aside your needs so regularly that you don’t even know what you need anymore. You may find yourself feeling confused about what you need and want. When you are so disconnected from your inner compass, of course it becomes difficult to figure out how to do what’s best for you.
Family roles and expectations around doing what’s best for you: You may have grown up in a home where you were punished, physically or emotionally, when you expressed your needs or wants. Expressing your needs may have resulted in heightened stress from your parents. Or your parents or caregivers may have had difficulty taking care of themselves, leaving you to be the caregiver in the family.
It’s really hard to step out of family roles that we grew up with. You may find yourself being met with pushback if you try to change dynamics in a family. If that’s you, it’s understandable that you have a hard time taking care of yourself. Guilt may be trying to protect you from that pushback. We can recognize what guilt is trying to protect us from, while also deciding that it’s no longer helping us the way we want it to.
Societal roles and expectations around doing what’s best for you: There can be various ways that society sends us messages. There is a distinct message that women are caregivers (for a great book that talks about this, check out Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski). Gender roles may mean that you as a woman were expected to sacrifice yourself in a way that your brother never did.
Messages may also come with race or disability status. Tropes around the “strong Black woman” may leave Black women feeling punished if not stepping into that role. Disabled people are often painted as a burden on society, which may leave them feeling like expressing any need is automatically putting someone else out (spoiler alert: disabled people are not burdens).
It’s also worth noting societal messages can come with roles in the family. Mothers are often expected to drop everything to care for their children. They may feel like they are supposed to devote all of their time to their children or families, making the idea of time for themselves basically nonexistent.
You may have also been praised for the ways that you have given of yourself. Giving of yourself is a beautiful thing, but it’s worth looking at if it’s something you want to do or if you are expected to do it. It’s understandable to feel good when others notice parts of you. That said, sometimes the message becomes extreme, and you end up feeling like it’s bad if you do what’s best for you instead of others at times.
Narratives in our society about what love entails: How many movies have you seen, and how many stories have you read that talk about sacrificing everything for someone you love? How many times have you seen phrases like, “I would do anything for you” romanticized?
Let me let you into a secret that us therapists and those of us in the codependency world know: love doesn’t mean sacrificing the entirety of yourself.
Does love include compromise? Yes. Does it mean there may be times you are putting yourself last? Yes. Does it mean you should always come last? No.
If this story about love is a part of what’s stopping you from doing what’s best for you, it may be time to challenge this narrative.
A note about guilt:
In my experience, I’ve found that guilt is often the opposite of helpful. Often it just leaves us in a place of feeling stuck in shame.
It’s also worth noting that people who feel a lot of empathy or who focus a lot on social relationships may be more prone to guilt. Caring is a beautiful thing. It can also be overwhelming at times.
Here’s the thing: I genuinely trust that feelings and beliefs we have represent parts of ourselves that are doing our best to protect us. Why do I say that? Because that guilt you’re feeling is most likely trying to help you in some way. That said, it’s worth looking at if and how that guilt is actually helping.
And if you are constantly feeling bad about yourself, it may make solid relationships harder. I want to remind you that it is not your job to sacrifice your entire self. It is not your job to always put others first. You have a right to do what’s best for you without falling into a pit of guilt. I promise.
What are the benefits of doing what's best for you?
Sometimes the steps to putting yourself first without feeling guilty include looking at the benefits of doing what’s best for you.
Better able to care for others: I’ve worked with a lot of people who are perpetual caregivers. What’s interesting to notice is how hard it can be for caregivers to take care of themselves. If that’s you, I want to remind you that you’re not the only one struggling with this.
What is important for caregivers to recognize is that if you are not taking care of yourself, it’s going to get harder and harder to take care of others.
When you find space to do what’s best for you, you may find that you have more energy to help others. You may feel less depleted. You may even find your way to joy.
Better sense of self: Sometimes when you perpetually put others first, you may find yourself feeling lost. You may find that you are doubting your decisions. You may find it hard to figure out what you want and need.
Getting to a place where you don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you may take some practice. It may take some work to check in with yourself to see how different choices feel. And the more that you do that, the more you will understand yourself.
There is power in understanding yourself. You may find yourself walking through the world in a more grounded way.
Creates healthier boundaries: If you are making choices based on a sense of guilt instead of operating from doing what’s best for you, you may find that you are compromising your boundaries a good deal.
You may find that in doing what’s best for you, you get more practiced at recognizing and respecting your boundaries. Can boundaries be flexible? Yes. That said, it’s hard to know what you’re truly OK with if you don’t have a solid sense of what boundaries feel healthy for you.
Finding the boundaries that feel healthier for you is going to help you preserve your energy, and have more fulfilling relationships. (For a great book about boundaries, check out Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab.) Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking the only way someone could like us is if we give unconditionally. I promise there are people in the world who will love you for who you are, boundaries and all.
Feel emotionally better: This idea may seem counterintuitive. Here you are feeling crappy for putting yourself first, and I’m offering that you’ll feel better if you do just that? Yes.
It may feel hard to imagine feeling better, but the more you create space for caring for yourself, the better you’re going to feel overall. Repeatedly avoiding doing what’s best for you will most likely lead to exhaustion and resentment. By giving space for your needs, you may find yourself feeling like you have more energy, like you are more sure of yourself, and your relationships may also grow in a positive direction.
How to put yourself first without feeling guilty
You may be thinking, “All this info is great, but I need to know how to put yourself first without feeling guilty!” I hear you, and I want to offer some ideas below.
But first, I want to acknowledge how hard this journey can be, and how beautiful it is that you’re learning about how to put yourself first. As hard as it is, you’ll probably find yourself feeling better and stronger the more you practice this.
Acknowledge the guilt, and do it anyway: Sometimes the best way to move through something hard is to practice doing the hard thing.
Does this mean you ignore or push down your feelings? No. Does it mean that you can acknowledge your feelings and still make different choices? Yes.
That guilt you feel is probably trying to protect you in some way. It may be telling you that if you don’t always put other people first, you will lose relationships, or lose the love and respect from others. I want to offer that a healthy relationship holds space for more than one person to get their needs met.
I can’t lie and say that you will never lose a relationship. I can say that it’s worth looking at if that relationship was healthy for you, if there was never space to put yourself first.
Is it hard to move through these challenging emotions? Yes. Do I believe you can do it and survive? Absolutely.
Practice the discomfort of putting yourself first a little bit at a time: Making shifts in personal patterns takes practice and time. I don’t expect you to read these words, and suddenly tomorrow find that you don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you.
You may have to start a little bit at a time. If you’re feeling tired one night, and don’t want to go out with friends, say no. See how it feels.
Notice that you can survive.
Notice that your friendships can survive.
And part of that practice might mean offering alternatives to others: “I’m feeling wiped out and can’t make it tonight, but I’d still love to see you. Are you free tomorrow?”
These steps may feel hard. Offer yourself compassion along the way. Remember feeling discomfort and being unsafe are distinct.
I know your nervous system might get activated when trying to take these steps, especially if you grew up in a space where you didn’t feel emotionally and/or physically safe to get your needs met. This might be a good time to reassure that younger, activated part of yourself that you’re stronger now. You can offer compassion to that part of yourself while also making a different decision.
Recognize that you are worthy of care: If you are reading this, you are most likely a human. If that is true, you are worthy of care.
You don’t have to do anything to be worthy of care.
You don’t have to prove yourself.
You don’t have to justify that your needs are valid.
When you start internalizing this message (which may take practice), you can start giving some more attention to your own needs. You can recognize that you are just as important as any of those other people you have decided are more important than you.
Challenge your beliefs around self care: You may have some faulty narratives bubbling around within you. I say this not to tell you that you’re messed up for having these narratives. I say this to remind you that sometimes the stories we pick up along the way may not be totally true.
Here are some examples of belief that may be getting in the way of taking care of yourself:
-You can’t take care of others if you’re taking care of yourself. The opposite is true. If you are not OK, you can’t help others be OK. It’s as simple as that. (Yes, it might work from time to time, but trust me, in the long run, it doesn’t work.)
-Taking care of yourself is a zero sum game and takes away from others. Taking care of each other isn’t a math equation. Taking care of yourself does not automatically mean others don’t get care. In fact, I’ve learned over the years that sometimes there can be even more amazing outcomes when trying to meet more than one person’s needs.
-You’re obligated to take care of others before you take care of yourself. This one can be particularly pervasive. I know that as a woman, I’ve felt this message amplified due to my gender. I also know I’ve worked with many mothers, and this message is amplified in so much of what mothers hear. Of course, I’m not advocating to neglect others. That said, are there times others can step up? Are you the only person who can solve this? And is that true, or does it just feel that way?
By starting to push back on some of these narratives, you may find that you are able to quiet that guilt for doing what’s best for you a little more easily.
Some final thoughts when you want to get to a place where you don't feel guilty for doing what's best for you
Remember, self care is a way of reminding yourself that you are worthy of unconditional love. Our society can be so good at sending us messages that leave us feeling that taking care of ourselves is selfish.
I want to remind you that your needs are important.
You are important.
It’s OK to do what’s best for you.
You deserve care too.
That guilt you’re feeling? Feel free to acknowledge it, and then ask it to step away from you. You don’t need to sit in a pile of shame for meeting your own needs. Let’s celebrate taking care of you.
Kate O’Brien, LCAT
Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, codependency and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.