How to Deal with Someone Who Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
A lot of feelings can come up when dealing with people who don’t respect boundaries. It may bring up feelings of anger or frustration. It may leave you feeling tired and on edge. You may even end up blaming yourself for not being “OK” with how others are treating you.
I know for myself, understanding my boundaries has been a work in progress, and has changed over time. I have more than once festered in anger, with thoughts like, “I can’t believe they think that’s OK to do,” or “why can’t they understand how it feels to me when they do that?” Sometimes when others disrespect my boundaries, I end up questioning myself. That said, the clearer I get in my work around boundaries, the more solid and stable I feel.
Menu:
- Signs your boundaries are being violated
- What are examples of boundary violations?
- Communicating when someone is disrespecting boundaries
- Actions to take when someone is violating your boundaries
- How to know when to walk away from someone who is not respecting your boundaries
- Extra challenging scenarios with someone who doesn't respect boundaries
- A final thought for dealing with someone who doesn't respect boundaries
Setting and keeping boundaries with someone who is disrespecting your boundaries can be hard. It may take practice. And it’s worth recognizing that setting boundaries can come with some loss. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set them. Below are some ideas to play with and to get you started in dealing with someone who is violating your boundaries.
As hard as it can be, boundaries can help you to feel comfortable and freer in your life. I also know that sometimes it can feel like boundaries will harm relationships, but it’s not uncommon that it can help relationships- and you- flourish. Recognizing and maintaining your own boundaries can help you feel more secure and solid in yourself and your relationships.
There are beautiful possibilities that await as you take the steps that honor you.
Signs your boundaries are being violated
If you find yourself resentful about interactions, or find yourself questioning your choices, it could be a sign that someone is not respecting your boundaries. You may be feeling unsafe, unheard, or unimportant.
If you find yourself in relationships where you are doubting yourself, or like you are constantly being asked to explain why you make certain decisions, that can be a sign your boundaries are being disrespected. You may find others are comparing your choices negatively with others, or told that your explanations for your decisions aren’t good enough. If these examples resonate with you, it’s worth looking at if people are not respecting your boundaries.
Ultimately, only you can know what feels right for you. You are the person that gets to make the decisions for yourself about what you will and will not accept.
What are examples of boundary violations
Sometimes it feels really clear when someone is disrespecting your boundaries. If you say no to someone, and they continue, that is a clear sign that they are disrespecting your boundaries.
Sometimes the signs that someone is not respecting your boundaries come across more subtly. Sometimes not respecting your boundaries can look like asking for an explanation that the other person deems “satisfactory.”
Sometimes disrespecting your boundaries can look like shaming you for the boundary that you have set (“it doesn’t bother her when I do that,” “I don’t mind when people talk like that to me, why does it bother you so much?”).
Boundary violations can show up in various ways. For example, you may ask someone to stop talking about a specific topic, and they keep talking about it. You may ask someone not to touch you, and they do it anyway. You may tell someone you need to be alone, and they decide to come over to your place.
A note about boundaries and control:
I want to make a moment here to clarify a few things around boundaries, rules and control. A boundary reflects what you will accept around what does and does not feel OK for you. A rule is looking to control someone’s actions.
Now this can feel sticky or fuzzy, but it’s important to look at how we frame boundaries. Understanding the difference between boundaries and rules will help you implement boundaries. This will also ultimately help you in taking steps when interacting with someone who doesn’t respect boundaries.
As an example, a rule might be “you can’t talk about my body,” whereas a boundary is, “I will not engage in or listen to conversations about my body.” This gives you the control to decide what limits work for you, and what actions you wish to take.
Setting a boundary is setting an expectation around what your desires and needs are. It is being clear about what you will and will not accept. Understanding this concept will help you understand where your control lies, and help you to feel less powerless. This also allows you to decide what you will do when your boundaries aren’t being respected.
When you understand that a boundary is something that you control and implement, you’ll be able to more easily understand how to create limits and consequences. Ultimately, you can control your actions, and not the actions of others. We can’t control how others will act and react (no matter how much we want to!). It is our work to look at how we act and react.
Communicating when someone is disrespecting boundaries
It can feel daunting for some to tell others that they are not respecting boundaries. It can feel hard for people who have been trained to please others, or have gotten pushback when trying to set boundaries in the past.
There can also be situational reasons for it to be difficult, such as living with the violator, authority roles, and love for the person disrespecting your boundaries. I’ll touch on some of those nuances below.
I am an advocate for being direct and clear in your needs. If someone is not respecting boundaries, start with letting them know what you need.
“I need space.”
“I can’t talk about this with you.”
“I can’t spend time with you on Friday.”
As I’m writing this, I’m feeling aware that sometimes our society sees being direct as being rude. I want to push back on this narrative. I write that while knowing that power dynamics can impact how we relate to others.I confess, I’ve had to push against my own internal narratives when it comes to these dynamics. I was taught to be subtle and to talk around topics. The challenge in doing that, is people don’t always pick up on subtlety.
Being direct is just that. Being direct.
It’s OK to say, “I don’t like that.”
It’s OK to say, “I need you to stop.”
It’s OK to simply say, “no.”
And if you need to communicate when someone has crossed a boundary, you can label the action and identify that it did not feel OK for you. You can then ask for the behavior that you want instead.
Here’s an example: let’s say you’re at a party, and a friend makes a comment about your weight, whether it be positive or negative. If you are someone who does not want to engage in conversations about your body, you can say that. It can be as simple as, “I don’t feel comfortable talking with others about my body. I won’t be engaging in conversations about my body, and I’m going to ask that you stop as well.”
Depending on how they respond, you can decide how to move forward, and if you feel you need to say more. That said, I want to remind you that you never owe someone an explanation. You get to decide how much or how little you share. I’m not the first to say it, and I won’t be the last, but “no” is a complete sentence.
When others tell you that your boundaries hurt them: I feel it’s important to touch on what happens when you express a boundary, and the response you hear is that you have hurt someone.
I work with a lot of people who are moving to implement boundaries with family members. I know that if you grew up in a family where boundaries are not allowed, it can be a hard step to implement them later in life.
It may be hard for others to hear and accept your boundaries. You can have empathy for that (if you so choose), but that doesn’t mean that you have to change your boundaries.
When I’m working with someone who feels guilty about setting boundaries- perhaps they feel like they owe everything to their parents, or perhaps their parents have expressed how upset they are by the boundaries- I like to remind them that implementing boundaries is often actually you trying to save the relationships and make them work. It’s not about telling your parents or loved ones that you don’t want a relationship; it’s about you teaching people how to be in relationship with you.
Actions to take when someone is violating your boundaries
So, what do you do when your boundaries are being disrespected? This is where I remind you that boundaries are around what you are and are not OK accepting into your life. That means you get to decide the actions to take when someone is not respecting your boundaries.
Recognize you can’t control others: The hard truth is that you cannot control others' actions. It sucks, I know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the thought, “I wish they would just…”
It’s really common to want to change others. You are always able to offer feedback, express concerns, and to make your needs known. That said, you can’t force someone to take your advice or to make changes. That decision is ultimately up to them.
Set limits and consequences: When you are creating boundaries, you are deciding what is and is not OK for you. With that, you can decide what action you want to take when someone is not respecting your boundaries.
Examples might include changing the conversation, walking away, or limiting interactions with certain people. For example, if your mom is yelling at you, and that is a boundary for you, you can let her know that and take action if needed. You might say, “Mom, I want to keep talking to you, but I’m not OK with you yelling at me. If you keep yelling, I will need to leave.”
You can decide if there is only a certain amount of time you want to spend with people. You can decide what parts of yourself you want to share. You can decide if you need to be asked permission to discuss certain topics.
And with each of those boundaries, consider what actions feel right for you if those boundaries are disrespected.
Check in with yourself around how flexible your boundaries are: With all that I’m sharing here, I think it’s important to also recognize some boundaries are flexible. The important piece is checking in with yourself to see how you feel about interactions.
It’s not wrong to change your mind about something, or to let certain circumstances in a situation shift how you react. The important part is checking in with yourself to see if that feels right for you.
How to know when to walk away from someone who is not respecting boundaries
Sometimes, when you find that you are interacting with someone who is repeatedly disrespecting your boundaries, you may end up questioning if you need to walk away from the relationship.
Looking at this decision can feel so challenging. And unfortunately, I can’t give you a clear answer on when you make that choice for yourself. That said, as you look at that decision, there are some questions you can ask that might help you decide what is right for you.
Some questions you might ask yourself about leaving a person who doesn’t respect boundaries:
-Do I feel safe (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) with this person?
-What am I getting out of this relationship?
-Have I attempted to state my needs and make changes?
-Is this relationship repeatedly harmful to me?
-Am I staying in this relationship out of a sense of forced obligation? If so, how true is this obligation?
-What am I willing to tolerate?
Again, I know deciding to cut someone out of your life can be a truly challenging decision. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking. Sometimes it’s the right decision, even when it is hard. Only you can make that decision for yourself.
Recognize that setting boundaries can come with loss. For as much as us therapists talk about how important boundary setting is, I think we often neglect or gloss over the fact that setting boundaries can come with a loss.
Sometimes you may lose how a relationship used to be. You may lose companionship. You may lose a relationship all together.
Allow yourself to recognize that, and if you need to, allow yourself to grieve. It can be painful. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is the wrong decision.
Extra challengning scenarios with someone who doesn't respect boundaries
I recognize that in all of the scenarios below, you may make choices in the short run that don’t feel good in order to protect yourself in the long run. Offer yourself empathy as you navigate these challenges.
Living with the violator: This is so hard, and I don’t want to dismiss the challenges that come with that. As always there is nuance and room for questions. Do you feel safe? If not, are you able to find a new home? What is and is not within your control?
If you do not feel safe, it may be time to look for a new home, or for places where you do feel safe. I recognize that dynamics may impact how easy or possible this is. Finances, relationships and power dynamics can all play a role in how easy or difficult it is to get away from someone who is violating your boundaries.
If you are unable to leave, it’s worth looking at what things you have within your control. It is also important to look for coping tools that will help you survive in the meantime. This may mean taking walks by yourself, closing the door to your bedroom, or walking away when you feel you need to. It may also mean finding the things that bring you comfort along the way: a favorite soft blanket, or a TV show that you love.
It may also be worth looking to get professional support, if it is within your means.
The person who is not respecting your boundaries is in a position of authority: This can be tricky, I know.
This may mean that your boss is disrespecting your boundaries. Or it could mean a respected family member. Or it could be someone in an organization that is important to you. It may also tie into dynamics around race, gender, sexuality, or other societal hierarchies (which while they are arbitrary based on societal stories, can still have an impact).
Again, these are the times to explore what is and is not within your control. You may want to look at ways of stepping away from those scenarios. That said, if it is not possible, look at what you can do to help you cope in the meantime. Sometimes recognizing the places you have control can help you feel less powerless in the long run.
You love your boundary violator: This is something I see a lot of in my work. I have talked with so many people who struggle in relationships or with family members who don’t respect boundaries. In these situations, we are sometimes left feeling like setting boundaries is hurting the person we love.
In these situations, I like to remind people that sometimes the best way to save a relationship is by setting and following your boundaries. Sometimes this means limiting topics you talk about, sometimes it means walking away when your boundaries are being violated.
Sometimes, it’s worth looking out what in the relationship is serving you, and if you want to remain in the relationship. Sometimes the right choice is leaving the relationship, even though it is painful, and even though it comes with a loss. Only you can make that decision. It starts with being honest about what the relationship is and is not. Recognizing that will help you decide if it’s worth it to you to stay in it.
A final thought for dealing with someone who doesn't respect boundaries
Remember, you have the right to feel solid and safe in yourself and your relationships. I know how hard making these decisions can be. I also know you’re worth it.
Kate O’Brien, LCAT
Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.